Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
