So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
