I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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