when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
