I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
