I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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