I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
