from now on my penis is your penis
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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