I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
