I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
