Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize