So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
