Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
