I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
