Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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