I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
