Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
