i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
