You're my little dorito
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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