My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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