Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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