I got chris browned last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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