good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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