Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
