i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
