Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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