The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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