So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
