fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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