i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
