it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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