get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I skipped work to stalk him.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
