its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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