My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
