You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
as a side note pls kill me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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