He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize