My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fuck appropriateness.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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