I love black thongs
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize