Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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