I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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