My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
