I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
