I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
we should paint friendship bongs
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