maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Enjoy the penises
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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