EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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