Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
