So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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