...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
did i walk over a car last night?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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