I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize