I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
