Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
