just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
