A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We talked him into tasing himself.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
