I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
