The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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