Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
