I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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