i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
