I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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