If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
