So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
