I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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