My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
