well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
